Suppression
God can really do anything. He is the king of kings, the lord of lords. Praises be sung to him from all his creations, and may his will be done on earth as it would be in heaven. The world resound of his glory, and his kingdom come.
I find myself struggling yet again, but praises to the lord most high, for all these only make me stronger, better equipped with all that is good to do the will of God. This time, my struggle is clearly one between faith and realism.
As a modern thinker, much actions taken are based upon sound and cautious deduction, as well as logically conclusion. Even with much faith in Christ whom I place all my life in, my action must be justified by his standards before I dare to take the actions. I find myself doing quite the opposite of what believers should become when they draw closer to God. The closer I abide and draw myself to him, the harder it is for me to choose a path that is willed by him. It stems from suppression.
The more I study the bible, the more I confine myself to the laws of what was written. BUT THE BOOK IS ALIVE, and God is alive. I follow a supposed ’system’ developed to gauge the extent of which my actions are within the boundaries of God’s will and standards, and judge for myself the consequences of my actions towards his ‘Good’. WRONG. absolutely wrong. Stupid dude.
After praying for wisdom and knowledge, I thank and praise the lord for bellowing them upon one as small as I am. But this wisdom and knowledge has subsequently stymied the simplest of steps in following God. To follow, you must walk. My thinking has prevented that.
I kept thinking God did not want me to go overseas to study, that he did not want me to apply for an overseas universities. With the brain that god bestowed me, I deduced that he wants me to stay, because it seemed the logical step. God given me many services to the church. If so, why would he want to remove me from all of it? Also, I thought my SAT scores do not reflect on him wanting me to go overseas. Furthermore, its like what everyone says. I’m not the type that is suited for overseas. Not responsible enough. With that, I happy conclude that I should stay in Singapore. JUST LIKE SATAN WANTS ME TO CONCLUDE.
Today, I had a small little breakthrough. Its just a small little step. My first step to following Jesus. The true wisdom of God finally dawned upon this foolish excuse of a man entrusted with ‘God’s wisdom’. I have confined God to teachings. To logic. To promises. To situations. To circumstances. To specific parts of the bible. I have not allowed him to MAKE ME WHOLE. All his teachings. All he is. All he does. I suppress his greatness to that which is governed by the law, the surrounding, the situation at hand, and failed to see the TRUE greatness of THE LOGIC that God MAKES the law, the surrounding, the situations, AND has promised that ‘ALL THINGS WORK FOR THE GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM’. I felt ashamed, but nevertheless excited by the prospect of a contradiction to my stand, as I now know full well that I have failed to see the ‘plans I(he) have for you(me), plans to prosper and not to harm you.’, and there ARE plans yet to come. After all he has done for me, the blessings I counted, the praises I sang to him, I actually forgot: He can do MUCH MUCH more. “That’s it, God done for me so much already, I shall give the rest of my life for him”. Great Mentality. What about the part where he WILL CONTINUE to bless and prosper me?
My SATs score isn’t the highest. But if God wills, who am I to say that THAT SCORE CANNOT put me in the university of HIS choice? I screwed up big time. To think that I cannot enter because BY standards, I have not reached the average score. If God wills, then the lowest of scores will allow his child to enter. And all will know that it is not by his strength or ability, but by the power of God and his love for us. How could I forget? Who am I to say that God did not do this so that I WILL KNOW that it is only by his grace that I could enter? I stand now, ready for him to make a testimony out of me.
Today, it fills me with excitement and anticipation that God is the God of ‘ALL THINGS’, and that this ‘ALL THINGS’ work for MY GOOD. Holy, holy, holy. God all mighty. The world is FILLED with your glory.
Now what? Tell you what. I’ll take that little step I mentioned just now, and go apply for an overseas university. And from it, that will contribute to the ALL THINGS that will lead to my good. I just have to love him first, ad take that step to FOLLOW. I thank God for edifying my ‘wisdom’, and thank him for really giving me the wisdom that I truly seek. The wisdom of God, not man. And lord, make me smaller, just so you might become a BIGGER in my life, for you have really let the foolish teach the ‘wise’. Praises to the lord on high. Amen, amen, amen.
PS: Thank you lord for the wisdom and knowledge, but help me so that it may not become the very thing that brings me away from you. Lord, I believe that you alone, am. Help my unbelieve. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
