The Sadness I feel……
is not mine. I think I’m back to burdening myself with unnecessary worries and concerns. Things that are not left for me to change or deal with. Things that I cannot change. The inexperience of life’s multi facet levels and dimensions that my incapability cannot dissect. I’m am going to be 21, and yet there is so much in life and the bible that I do not comprehend, so much that I begin feeling helpless. but all these are only steps to learning more.
My expression is inadequate, my feelings will not effuse. I have so much words to outpour, yet I never let it out for fear of the invidious effects on people close to me. I cannot, even though I know the words will do them good. For not doing that, I scorn my timidity. So how am I to treat it as ‘burden I am not meant to carry’? Wherein lies the justification of my actions? Is it just an excuse to rub my bruises when I fail to ameliorate the ‘tasks’ at hand? More fundamentally, are these ‘tasks’ mine to handle?
God don’t just burst two lungs for frolic. God’s gaiety does not come at the cost of his children’s health. He did that for me to learn, to understand that there are limits in me, that I have to rest, that there are burdens which really are not meant for me to shoulder. But father, it is so hard. So hard not to want to shoulder the burdens of those you love. Who would bear seeing the ones they love in despondency while the nefarious devil smiles vilely at his success? Only you God, whose love for us you weigh heavier than your own love, that you paid your son for sinners. But I cannot.
Then there’s the point on prayer. Yes, through dreams and real life situations given to me, I have learnt that there are things that only God can change. I comply. However, there is also the issue on passive and active prayer. Should I just pray and watch, and when my family suffers more, I’ll soak it all in and reciprocate by praying more? There must be more to this praying thing. There must be more steps available then just consistent prayer.
To me, any semblance of incipient problems amongst my loved ones is worth exacerbating. And if there is nothing I can do, my impotence generates disconsolation. After much thought, my stance has changed. I know I need rest, but I will leave that to God. For everything I am concerned with, I will put my two cents in it. For everyone that i think I can help, I will put 10. And for every time there is nothing, I will rest. I’ll leave the rest to God. If he wants to mold the wrong in me, I’ll gladly take another hole to learn a lesson. I’m a refractory child aren’t I? Sorry lord for being so stubborn. I just can’t help it. You made every Christian my family.
