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Slow Recovery
Slowly recovering from the operation. Removed the patches today. The two small holes are good, the one that the tube went in looks like a piece of mutating skin. Hope that isn’t what is happening. Oh, I passed blowing the 1250 mark on the breathing toy, whatever that thing is. Still a little pain here and there, but I’m starting to become more normal. The sneezing is hard to take though.
Min came over my house to raid some cds, so I took the chance to witness her likes and dislikes. Apparently she has some qualms about my brother’s choir songs in her Ipod. Then again, who doesn’t? Ipod just isn’t made so you can walk home listening to twenty to forty people singing ‘Lullaby’ and put you to sleep. But hey, personal preference ya? Not like she liked any of my ‘extreme’ songs.
I think I lack interaction. Shall try to do that more often after I go back to living normally. Only then can we understand others no?
The Hardest Love of All
Righteousness vs Merciful
Many people believe in this. It seems to be the most noticeable trait that the whole world acknowledge. It has branches, most notably karma. Righteousness is something many Chinese people tend to believe. You do good things you get good luck AND go to heaven. You do bad things you get bad luck AND go to hell. Even the bible says that our Father is righteous. Then many people argue that he’s not. How can a person be righteous and merciful at the same time? Quite contrasting these two. Jesus and God forgave sinners. Merciful as they are many people cannot see the justice. I got a friend who does not believe in any religion, but knows there is a God. He told me, ” No. I will not believe. I believe in righteousness, and that I should go to hell for my sins.” Heck, he’s quite right. Many of us do deserve to. So where’s the righteousness if these people are going to heaven just by believing in Christ? Well people, let me bring you all to what made believing in Christ righteous.
Remember those Chinese dramas we liked to watch? Those with kings ruling over China, who need to maintain a righteous stance. Why we call him king? Cause he’s the ruler obviously. Who dares to oppose someone of such great power? Well, there seems to be one particular general that he likes ALOT. This general, let’s call him ‘A’, has won many battles for the king, and has been loyal to him since their humble beginnings. Then, the other magistrates are jealous of this A whom the king liked so much. So, by some method unknown to light, they got A drunk, got him to rape some married women, kill some hapless guys and then the next day arrest him and brought him to the presence of the king. Well, sounds like Satan? He tempts you, and when you take the bait, he puts all the sin and shame on you.
Continuing on. Then, these magistrates slate A in front of the king like he’s worth 2 pennies. Ok, let’s throw in a stick cause he’s a war general. 1 pen for the horse, 1 pen for him. Heck, two pennies for the horse. “King, his actions has tainted your hallways and the whole castle! Your reputation has been destroyed by this womanizing murderer! He deserves nothing but death! Kill him with this sword!” Low and behold! They got the sword ready. Figures. The king hesitates.
He is my most trustworthy general! How many battles have he helped me won.
“Lord, he has murdered!”
But without him, I will not be where I am!
“He raped married women! He deserves to DIE! There is no other alternative!”
Must I kill him just to prove my righteousness?
“Prove your righteousness my lord! Kill him!”
The general can only stare back, waiting for his deserved punishment. True he was MADE to do it, but in then end, all that matters is that we did it. We are like A, lambs to slaughter.
Then, love and righteousness wilder than oceans was born. After much hesitance, the king picks up the sword, gives it one hefty swing, and stabs…… HIMSELF.
“!!!Lord, what do you think you are doing?!?!”
“His (A’s) punishment will be dawned by me!This sword is his deserved punishment, but I will take it in his place!”
The blood of the king flows profusely out of his chest. All in presence witness in bewilderment, touched by his grace.
“I have taken his punishment! Anyone here feels this is less then he deserves? I will take more!” Silence.
“Then hence forth I give you(A) this mian2 shi3 jing1 pai2 (death immunity gold bar…literal translation). Your punishment has been seen to!”
Then general A has only two choices. 1) Accept the immunity. 2) Take his death.
Tears flowing down his face, he picks up the mian2 shi3 jing1 pai2, and shouts praises to the king,
“Long live his majesty!” Everyone else repeats.
“Long live his majesty!”
Isn’t that what the Lord has done for us? Satan approaches. Jesus steps in by coming to earth.
“But they are sinners!” Thak! Left arm.
“They are unworthy!” Thak! Right arm.
“They deserve hell!” Thak! Legs.
With the blood of the lamb flowing out, he gives Satan the look. “Now they deserve heaven.” Now that’s mercy AND righteousness.
We are like the general. Two choices. Either ignore, or pick up the ticket to heaven, and worship his majesty.
Majesty, majesty.
Your love has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Happy CNY, Worst Nightmare in my Life
And its too bad I will not be able to move around, or i would go to church to thank him for bringing me through this storm. Haha. NIWAE, since I will not be able to say happy Chinese New Year to all the peeps, I have decided to do it surreptitiously on my blog. Therefore, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR PEEPS! Lol.
Hope you all have a pleasant new year, with lots of hong bao and nice food k? Dun forget to indulge in the long holiday break (4 days sia)… though I’m on twenty, hehe. Enjoy yourselves, but dun become to pig k? I’ll be fine in the boundaries of my comfortable tatami. Al those that wanna pass me my hong bao can do so by indirectly giving it to Tan Di Jie. Note that I need the money for the medical bills ya? Mwahaha (Sounds like i’m trying to get more more out of ya)! Btw, hope my brother have a fun foreign Chinese New Year! Never celebrated it would not family b4, but hey, its a first! Look forward to it!
The pain’s been getting from worse to worst. No bad. Everywhere around the wound hurts, my body seems to be radiating heat thanks to countless x-rays, and my eyes are starting to see double. Hope this is temporary. Sometimes it gets breathless too. But hey, at least God LETS me feel that ya? Better than not feeling it at all. That’ll mean… nvm.
Recently had a dream of the people I loved most. But it was hell of a nightmare. There was no God in my dream. No one to watch over everybody. Hong Wei and friends were gambling with big bucks, my brothers were slating away. Immorality covered the universe, I would not wanna go through it again. My younger brother was a big daddy pimp, with all the girls, but would even respond to me. My older brother was rich and of upperclassmen status, but only cares about money, treating me like dirt. Wei Jiat pursued only to become number one, trampling on everyone that gets in his way. Min was SMOKING, gambling with her brother. I look at them, reveling deeper into sin. I tried to talk them all out of it, but nobody had God’s spirit, their hearts hardened to the love I tried to give. I was mocked for my religion, beaten for my ‘conservativeness’. When I told all of them I love them, their response wa, “But I don’t.” Painful for me, but for some reason everyone was crying when they said that. Maybe they don’t want to be like that, but without God there is no protection. Their lives devoured one another. Is this what awaits those as stated in revelations? I can only imagine.
In the end, I got killed by a careless speeding bus driver. That was when I woke up. Whatever the case, I immediately prayed for God to be around us all, and praised him just for his presence. I prayed that he stay with us and not leave us behind. That he be there with everyone I ever crossed paths with, that my dream will NEVER be a reality.
“I will never leave you, I will never forsake you.”
What an assurance. Sometimes,when you cannot change anything, but at least we know we can turn to one God who can melt the hardened, and free the chained. In my dream, I could not do nuts. For my life and many others, God’s already proven that he can.
Ying Ta Shou De Bian Shang, Wo De Yi Zhi
Finally, out of the dreaded hospital. Its been a heart wrenching stay this time. Although it was only 4 days, I learnt more that I ever had from the previous time. More emotions, more feelings, more holy intervention. I learnt to trust God in darkness if only to see his glory shine through.
The emotions this time were genuine, not like the previous time when I was not so embedded into church yet. This time, they were people I really loved. To see Min Min cry when she thought I might just leave her broke my heart.
“I dun mind going through it again, as long as I can still see you. I cannot imagine my life without my Wei gor gor…” Her tears drowned my heart in sorrow. Anger pointed arrows at me for not taking care of myself properly, anguish overcame me as I do not know what to say to comfort her. “I’m sorry.” Yes, I really am. Responsibility does not only apply to yourself. It applies to others as well, and what you do to yourself will always hurt those around you, more so if they love you so much more.
The happiness from the people that love you can be felt from miles away the moment you open your eyes, the moment when they know you will not be leaving them anytime soon. I had hope to feel less pain, but that is one of the lessons I have to learn too. I can only praise God that all these are happening to me, not my mom, my dad, my brothers and my sisters. I can only imagine what I would feel to see them on that bed.
The three days after operation were painful. The prayers from your brothers and sisters dun seem to work, the storm is on you. Yet this time my faith did not falter, it only strengthened in the song ‘Praise You in this Storm’. My body had broken, but the spirit is renewed. In Streams of the Desert that day, it said that the shadow that lurks is that of the hand of God, that seeks to make you sharper so that he can place you in his quiver. My weakness becomes his weapons. What more can I ask? Let God shape my future by using my tainted past, so that the people will know that my future is only present because of his presence.
And hey, the hospital was definitely not worth the stay, if not for his angels speaking and teaching to me in some weird language that distracted me from my pain while I was sleeping and them teaching me how to sleep in order to reduce the pain. God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. Be seeing you all when I recover!
