So It Was Me
That day I was telling Wei Jiat about my struggles, about how it was hard, how you do as God tells you too, you pour everything you have to love those around you the only way u know how, but when the ones you love most are having fun and mingling, loving each other, you’re not there with them. How you become so tired you just do not have the strength left to be with them. I told Wei Jiat about how I don’t feel like I belong, that I’m there to help God fufill his will, but when the people you love most are in trouble and need help, its not your job. Its for someone else. I hated the feeling. Its true people will appreciate what you do, but sometimes it really gets to you. How far you are away from everyone else. I’m an introvert, not used to talking to people, like to keep it to myself. How can I expect people to open up to me if I remain like this? But I expect. And I feel responsible or burdened by the slightest sign of distress looming from my loved ones. Then I feel horrible and disgusted at myself for not being able to do anything.
I really bear too much responsibilities on myself, but I can’t help it. I love them. But this love is draining me, draining the strength I have. I give it all, but then there’s nothing to replace this strength other than an occasional gesture of friendship from the counterpart. I feel…… like shit. Worse still, when love comes to replenish me, I shun away from it.
Last Sunday was the day after I opened to Ryan, telling him about this problem. Then, while I was eating, Min jumped on me from behind, shocking me.
” Wei gor gor, are you feeling better?”
The shocked choked me. But I was extremely happy. What a timely show of love, when I am about to exhaust myself. I wanted to tell her I’m fine, wanted to tell her thank you for the strength. Wanted to talk to her, wanted to get some strength from her. But I can’t. I choked. I couldn’t go past the type of greeting conversations I do with everyone. I can’t let out what is inside me. To the people I love.
What if I hurt them? What if they cannot take it?
My conversation are restricted to the jokes I can conjure. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I don’t even have the guts to tell someone I love the simple truth. To ask for help when I’m in need. Disgusting. I cannot stand myself. So it was me who simply shun away from the love the people around me want to give me, even though I need it so much. Dumb introvert. Useless.
I haven been so angry for very long, but this is just unacceptable. Blaming those around me for not giving me love when its me who’s been running away from them. Pissed at myself. Pathetic. Painfully pathetic.
I dunno what else there is to do then to pray to God for help. I don’t wanna remain like this. If this becomes worse, it will only harm those I love most even more. One day, if I ‘had enough’, I might even leave them. I don’t want to. This is where God wanted me to belong. I hope I sort out my thoughts soon.
Shou3 Ye4 to 2008
As we watied upon the new year of 2008, so many things flashed through my mine at turbo speed. The things that happened, the things that mattered. The happiness, sorrow, laughter, tears. The inter connected events that has caused my life to change. The people that has caused my life to change. I remember and reflect upon them, emo-ed, laughed, sighed. Most of all, I embraced them. Before 12 midnight on 31/12/2007, I disappeared from the church people cause I want to say ‘Happy New Year’ to God first, the one who has brought me through it all. And God, in the most beautiful way, responded with his ‘Happy New Year!’. Because I wanted to tell him first, he showed me the clearest fireworks from where I was. Praise the Lord! Wanted to show Wei Jiat, Stephen (He found the place with me!), Min, my brothers, but when I went down everyone looked so busy. Stephen was no where to be found My brothers had their hands full helping the demolision of the decorations from Christmas, as was Min. Plus getting everyone up their would be to much. Thus, the brain deduced that I should just get the person that God used as my mediator between me and Wayne: Ryan Twang. Thus, dashing through the halls, I called for him to follow me, but even he missed the fireworks as we reach the sight. I guess God really only wanted to show it to me. God rocks!
Anyway, since its the start of the year where memories crawl themselves out of my subconsicous to compete for space in my ‘thank you’ list, i’ll just name all of them:
First up, family.
Mom- Another year of the same old same old. I guess sometimes you really take things for granted. But this is one person who doesn’t mind being taken for granted. As the world would describe it, the closest thing to the love of God. Mum, continue to improve in golf, and glorify him through the only way you know how.
Dad- Silent, resilient, few in speech, all in action. His love is never shown by words. Its shown by the hours he spent slugging out so I can live the comfortable life I’m in. All the years of travelling may seem to have taken its toil on his body, but this year with christ he seems renewed! Glad there’s God in our lives now. Sometimes I have this sneaky feeling he secretly yearns to support Liverpool FC, hehe…
Older brother, Di song- So your back and gone again. Will be looking forward to the day you come back. Don’t worry, I would tell anyone. Thanks for all the advice and car rides around Singapore to do all the lame stuff. Its not the same without you. Hope that this time, when you’re back in Britian, you’ll be the Di Song everyone knows, not the fake one.
Younger brother, Di Jie- Have you become even fatter?!?! Run more please. Trust me on this though: You can think, just need time. Who doesn’t? A levels don’t even need you to be clever. Just sharp. Not like dad’s genes don’t flow in you. You just don’t use it. Low energy dude. Don’t always wait till the last minute then prepare. Sounds like me though.
Wai Po- Cooks the best dishes around. Thanks for the meals everyday. The clean clothes I wear. Best at ridding any trace of dirt found around the house. Really, literally does the dirty work.
Next up, guy friends.
Wei Jiat- Going army soon eh? Thanks for all the lame stuff we do together. A good group leader. Love the 3.5 times we had. Too bad no more in the same group. Nevermind! I’m quite sure I’ll do lame stuff with you when you book out on Sats and Suns. Thanks for all the memories. The white hair was stunning. Dun forget me when you get a new buddy in camp ya? By the way, if you get your appointment letter and its not to OCS, throw it, step on it, burn it. Haha. Remember, must stay close to God! Don’t be tempted. Anything can email me through OA or CR (you’ll know when you enter army). Salutez! My handphone is always there to sms call if you feel something weighing on you and need someone. Then again, I’m not one of those people you would call am I?
Stephen- Hope your music continues to improve for the Lord. I see you’re more awake nowadays during sermon, good job! Always trust the Lord, cause he’s just that good. your poly’s gonna end soon, so cherish the times with your friends ya? Rock on. Hope you get your licence soon. Sorry about your elec guitar. Hope its not hurt. Oh, and take care of Radha for me.
Eric- Always smiling, always funny. I love the way you live your life. Continue living it the way you do! Only got to know you for awhile, hope to get to know you better and better! Smile for the Lord! Hope this year you can grow spiritually as well.
Wayne- You’re still a Pai Kia unless you read this! Stop playing maple. It rots your brain. Seriously. Got to know you better last year, hope to see God change you this year. REMEMBER TO STUDY HARD! Nothing is impossible in God. Nothing. JC is not that far, it even has the same initials as your lord Jesus Christ, who is right there next to us! PLEASE CUT SOME MORE DECENT HAIR! I’m not trying to make you look nerd, but the back of your hair really shatters some school rules. So does your fringe.
Sheen Mao and Eugene Oo- Needa meet up with you all sometime. Really miss the two of you. So… you all think bigger rank than me is good huh? You’ll never get to knock me down! Never!
Eng Meng- Thank for coming when I was in the hospital. I guess I’m like you, starting to play games less and less le. Hope the class can come out more together (though the previous time its me that did not go).
Now to the girls.
Min Min- Gor not one of the bunch of people that you’ll approach when you got your problems, so dunno you deep down. Or maybe its me who dun approach you? But had some great times with you around. How to not love you? Then again, who doesn’t? I’m also not one of the pillars of your life, compared to Xue Ying, Di Song, Wei Jiat, Wei Rong. HOWEVER, that does not mean I’m not available for help, and does not mean I will not continue to try to understand you more. By the way, since you are having A’s this year, I’m available 24/7 for help in Econs, Maths, English or any other problems. Chem and higher chem not included. Just come back home after 7pm and I’ll be there.
Christine- Thanks for listening to my crap once in awhile, even though you were busy with you NUS examinations and projects. Hope you did well 
You earned your trip to New York until 11 January 2008, so have fun over there k? Hope to see you soon someday! Oh, finally used your borders gift voucher on a book le. Thanks!
Yue Ting- So glad someone in church understands the desire to know everything that is japanese. Nihon banzai! Since you got nothing on now, please find a good job so we can go Japan together k? Dun worry, I’ll definitely treat you all to a meal or two wan. Continue to shine for christ k? You seem to have some form of hidden tempermental energy ready to be unleashed spontaneously. Wonder where that comes from……
Hui Shan- Bia so much for A’s le, now you got your well earned rest. Remember to not waste your time k? Find some work, and continue to grow in the Lord. Stop saying people ‘xing ji zhong’ when yours also very zhong can? This year Tuan Zhang le, must learn how to lead properly k? I’m part of your team, the more free wan some more, so will definitely help you wan.
Chae Hua- Will try to stop confusing your name with you sisters. Or the age. So how’s your job? Congrats on all the graphics stuff awards btw. What a God given talent. Never knew you were so open until the ‘ I love peppermint’ conversation popped up. Now dunno how you hun4 until become owe you 2 ice cream le. Tsk tsk tsk. Thanks for helping me shop the other day. I’ll owe you one more ice cream. Wait… so the ice creams are because of me…
Meng Di- Jiao Mei! Xiao Xiang! Back from China, how was the trip? wishing you the best for this year k? You can pull of a Nanyang Nu Zhong, I’m super sure. This year, I got an upgraded jacket AND and extra one in my bag to meet your cold jokes, so dun worry about me and just spam me with winter k? Any problems with your homework can also find me or call me for convience. May not be available during working hours though.
The rest of the people that touched my life one way or another, I thank all of you. You may not be mentioned here, but you definitely are in my memories that form 2007, and I promise I’ll be there in yours during 2008.
This year, in 2008, Di Wei got some really nifty tricks up his sleeves. Just you all wait… you all just wait…
My Cost, your Cost
Finally got over my car accident. It really is just what it is called. An accident. It happens to everyone, one form or another. Sometimes we get wounded, other times we laugh. However, in the end, we bear the responsibilities ourselves. I was quite down after the car accident, knowing it was all my fault, knowing I could have killed all my beloved brothers. Guilt. Sorrow. Shame. When these things happen, we ‘hate’ ourselves for it.
‘I could have been more careful, then all these would not have happened.’
‘Why must I go and do something so stupid?’
‘Why am I so weak, so clumsy?’
‘Why can’t I do anything right?’
Thoughts of hate rain on yourself, blame pile up like Mount Everest, condemning yourself. Olympic record for all time low. But wait. did God not deem hatred a sin?
As the bible describes, hatred is just like murder. Slating yourself is just like killing yourself, and its just what Satan wants of us.
“Yup. That’s right. You are lowly, not good enough. Weakling, you always do these type of things. Sinful failure, what makes you think God loves you? You’ve got no hope.”
316. The numbers of hope. ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.’ Whoever. You, me, him, her. No requirements. No mini script clauses. No judgment of character. WHOEVER. God has told us he loves us, and that he wants to save us.
We will continue to strive for change, to better ourselves. We WILL make mistakes, accidents WILL happen. What will makes you a living testimony of God compared to other people? ‘Deny yourself’. People will definitely be able to see the difference. Acceptance of who you really are, of your mistakes and sins. Just as there is no space for fear i love, when then is there space for hate? We say our God is love, but how do we convince people if we even hate ourselves? If the holiness of his presence has made you come to detest a spec of dirt on you, then don’t. God already knows how dirty you are. When he looked down, he only saw sinners, dirty, rotting. His call to ‘deny yourself’ asks of us to forget about the dirt, cause he has accepted who you are.
We are only human. We strive to be the very best, to show everyone that we are independent, strong, flawless individuals. We feel that we need to so that others can look to you as an example, that they will really feel that God is in your life. Well, God told me to forget about it. ‘pick up your cross ad follow me’. There is no need to live your life tied down. God has freed us from these bondages. There is no need to wear masks or fake yourselves. God wants you to be yourself, as how he has created you. He released the bondages from you the moment he came to save……
One fine day, Satan was dragging some lowly, sinful humans to do his whims and fancy in hell, when Jesus came to him. Jesus stood there, looking at all the people in chains.
The first was lustful, hot-tempered, and killed before.
The second was unclean, guilty of greed and embezzlement.
After careful scrutinizing of every spec of existence Satan was dragging to hell, Jesus spoke.
“How much for all my children?”
“That will cost your life, you know that.”
Without hesitation, Jesus paid the price. Satan was bewildered.
“Why did you do that? They are a bunch of useless, sinful men.”
“Cause Father wants to see hell empty, and heaven full.”
Deny yourself, pick up your cross. Let us follow him. We are no longer bonded.
