So It Was Me
That day I was telling Wei Jiat about my struggles, about how it was hard, how you do as God tells you too, you pour everything you have to love those around you the only way u know how, but when the ones you love most are having fun and mingling, loving each other, you’re not there with them. How you become so tired you just do not have the strength left to be with them. I told Wei Jiat about how I don’t feel like I belong, that I’m there to help God fufill his will, but when the people you love most are in trouble and need help, its not your job. Its for someone else. I hated the feeling. Its true people will appreciate what you do, but sometimes it really gets to you. How far you are away from everyone else. I’m an introvert, not used to talking to people, like to keep it to myself. How can I expect people to open up to me if I remain like this? But I expect. And I feel responsible or burdened by the slightest sign of distress looming from my loved ones. Then I feel horrible and disgusted at myself for not being able to do anything.
I really bear too much responsibilities on myself, but I can’t help it. I love them. But this love is draining me, draining the strength I have. I give it all, but then there’s nothing to replace this strength other than an occasional gesture of friendship from the counterpart. I feel…… like shit. Worse still, when love comes to replenish me, I shun away from it.
Last Sunday was the day after I opened to Ryan, telling him about this problem. Then, while I was eating, Min jumped on me from behind, shocking me.
” Wei gor gor, are you feeling better?”
The shocked choked me. But I was extremely happy. What a timely show of love, when I am about to exhaust myself. I wanted to tell her I’m fine, wanted to tell her thank you for the strength. Wanted to talk to her, wanted to get some strength from her. But I can’t. I choked. I couldn’t go past the type of greeting conversations I do with everyone. I can’t let out what is inside me. To the people I love.
What if I hurt them? What if they cannot take it?
My conversation are restricted to the jokes I can conjure. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I don’t even have the guts to tell someone I love the simple truth. To ask for help when I’m in need. Disgusting. I cannot stand myself. So it was me who simply shun away from the love the people around me want to give me, even though I need it so much. Dumb introvert. Useless.
I haven been so angry for very long, but this is just unacceptable. Blaming those around me for not giving me love when its me who’s been running away from them. Pissed at myself. Pathetic. Painfully pathetic.
I dunno what else there is to do then to pray to God for help. I don’t wanna remain like this. If this becomes worse, it will only harm those I love most even more. One day, if I ‘had enough’, I might even leave them. I don’t want to. This is where God wanted me to belong. I hope I sort out my thoughts soon.
