More Resting
Heh. Guess what my friends? My lung bursted. AGAIN. Left side, the one which recovered by itself. Currently on 7 days MC, will see the doctor on 31 January 2008 to make further appointments. Think this time it will be operation all over again. But praise be to God that I’m still alive, that at the A & E ward I was able to meet one of my friends, Sabrina Tan Xue Ying, who incidentally fractured her leg quite badly. She has been warded, and I plan to go see her when I’m going for my appointments. Please pray for her k? Praise be to God who sustains, who gives and takes away TO sustain. My path has been set, and the end is bright. The road might be treacherous, but the light of the world is leading me on, praise him.
So now will definitely have time to rest at home, study his words, grow in spiritual strength. AND I would fully recover after the operation. How many birds with one stone? Countless. God, let me hold steadfast in your words, your way. I know you are my shepherd.
And though storms may brew and danger lurks,
The shepherd herds his sheep to green pastures.
And watches over his helpless sheep,
He counts each one as though his own.
And when one sheep has lost its way,
He’ll search the high,
He’ll search the low,
To seek the lost, and bring him home.
Jesus has gone through worse pains. My faith be on him to guide my way. Amen.
Travelling Light
When God wants you to realize something, he will make it apparent to you, like needing to bathe, or wearing your glasses (if you need to), or saying hi to people you know. But most of the time, when his voice is discerning, lecturing, or maybe trying to tell you how erroneous your ways are, we choose to shut our ears, so tight it is as if we were snakes. Its only natural, since it hurts when your flaws and fault are pointed out, especially when these are absolutely true. However, if we really listen to him, its really good advice, comp re?
This few weeks has been quite a struggle. God has given me responsibilities to carry, entrusted the little kids to me to guide, given me worship roles, etc. However, today was exceptionally depressing. I prepared everything like all the other days, telling myself I can do it, the joy of the lord is my strength (which REALLY works). However, these few weeks, I lament the time needed, so much that I have not been speaking to many of my beloved friends, more depressing is that Wei Jiat is finally out, but I don’t really have time to speak to him. I feel that it is my responsibility, everything. Then, God struck me with cold, flu, and a sore throat so fierce I was unable to speak for the whole morning. I had to attend choir, teach the kids, and am suppose to lead in worship. However, I could not do any of it. I was saddened by it, the trouble I would cause all the people, and heaped more blame and burden on myself.
Thus, when I recovered (slightly), I went to church, knowing that I still need to teach Zhi Xin economics. When I reached there, I apologized to those people I have troubled. however, God used this exact event to teach me something. Even though I was not there, the things still ran on smoothly. The congregation, the teaching. I found out that **God have me covered**. The things that I cannot do for the people I love, God is there for them. Whenever I cannot be there, God will lead the show. Sure he gave me the responsibilities, but the one leading everyone is ultimately God. I really felt that I put too much burden on myself, like I owe God a lot for what he has done for me. I do, but Jesus died, only asking for my return. I think I put too much on myself when God has other plans as solutions. I need to learn how to play my part, and not involve myself in everything, unless God calls upon me. I need to travel light.
These past weeks have been around the same topic, and now God has revealed his lesson. Di Wei, you must release the burden you were never intended to bear. Taking these burdens up does not necessary mean I love the people more. Instead, such burdens weighs down my heart, makes me unable to be what I need to be and am in front of people, and in the end only affects them even more. I must learn to pick up less. I personally feel its a very important lesson for me. It will ultimately change me a lot. However, if God wants me to change, so be it. I’m not afraid, cause his plans are the best for me. For my good. How can his plans not be, when he can use my weaknesses and shameful pass to influence the people around me for the better? I promised myself in my New Year Resolution I will listen to him more, let him mold me, and I will. Father, if this is your lesson, let me never forget.
He even got my love ones to give me a book by Max Lucado. Title? ‘Traveling Light’. Topic? Psalm 23. ‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.’ Should turn out a good lesson for me. May the Lord guide me.
Waiting
Ryan will be back tomorrow! Yeah. So long never see him liao… will ask him about his army life, haha. Compared to mine, his is bloody, heh. Found out from my younger brother that the church seems more lively, some of the less active people are starting to blend in nicely, which I feel is good.
Chae Hua has recently become more enthu about church activities, and she’s been coming frequently to our gatherings, which is good (Although she’ll miss out this Sat). Eric and Charmaine have integrated into the bunch seamlessly, and compared to last time, I think they are really starting to get warmed up to the people in church, which is good. I hope more and more people will get involved with the church. Each of us form the fabric of the lifestreams, and relationships are forged this way. I know that when we get old, we might not be able to hang out as much. That why, while we are still young, we be together, through rain and shine, so that even when we don’t meet up that often when we grow up, we are already THAT close, which each other as well as with Christ. Like how Shawn, Wei Rong, Zhi Xing, Ezra, Winchester, Min Min, interact with each other. They grew up together. Touched each others’ lives.
Alright! Will be going to Chinatown to squeeze with Elvin, Hongwei and Hui Min. The year 88s!! Haha… maybe see if Xue Wei wants to feel the atmosphere of Chinatown with Chinese New Year around the corner. Looking forward to tomorrow. The last time I went to squeeze amidst people was when I was still… 6? Dun remember too well, so this will be a good experience. Time to get out of my zone. Got some people (wonder who? hmmm) said I was starting to become cold-blooded, which is NOT good. So go Chinatown warm myself abit with me friends. Must remember my camera too!
Hmmm…
Its been quite long since I talked about love. Not the usual “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.” love. The Boy meets girl type of love. This year, the only time I talked about it was probably with Wei Jiat and Hui Min. But yesterday was probably the first time I actually thought about it for a long long time. Thank to True Tears, episode 4 (this anime really must watch, the plot and characters are rather comprehensively developed, each with their own motive to linger around the life of the main character).
The episode was talking about how when you love someone, you want to be with that special someone, so much that you will try to be close to that person. And when you can’t get closer, you’ll find means to get closer to him/her. These various means are portrayed in the anime, showing glimpses of what seems to be callow thinking, but then shoots back at you, because there really does not seem like they can do anything more than what they are doing now. You try hard, but can’t open up. You open you mouth, but the voice hides in the midst of your shadow. Then finally, a choice can be made: How about getting closer to his/her friends? Then eventually you’ll get to know her/him more, or if you hang around with his/her friends more, then they might eventually notice. I will not judge whether their actions are right or wrong, justified or fortified. I just feel that it will definitely hurt the people you use as a ‘bridge’, especially if they become overly affectionate with you (like in the case of the main character’s best buddy).
Then there’s the almost main female character. Hiromi. She tried to get close to the main character by trying to get close to another person the main character was interacting with, but her lies of ‘wanting to make friends’ was dispelled by that person. Then, when her best friend tries to ask if she likes the main character (with the main character ‘accidentally’ standing at the corner eavesdropping) she dismisses her affections by saying that she likes the guy her best friend likes. I know it is accidental, but boy must that hurt everyone around her.
Feel sad for them? Well, sometimes I tend to think they are trying their best. That’s why they are struggling. They are trying their best but nothing happens. Better then me, I just forget about it once I find out someone will get hurt. Soft aren’t I? Got a lecturing by Hui Min. She said something I find quite true. I’m not giving the other person a chance am I? So selfish. But its really just a thin thin line in between. Heh.
Guess I’m too weak to admit it. I always told God that if ever I am to receive the person special to me, she’ll have to confess to me. WEAK~! PATHEIC~! True. Maybe its time to stand up and tell the person. But I’m too scared. Guess I’ll just wait till that special someone comes along and forces me into deep thought about this topic again ba……
That Blame
Was listening to a song by Akon, and it made me understand one of the puzzling actions which Jesus Christ took while he was in Israel before he was crucified.
The Pharisees, wanting to test and find fault in Jesus Christ, dragged a woman who sinned in front of Jesus. There, Jesus stood listening to those sly men telling him about her sins.
She slept with other men, even though they had wives.
“Yeah! She slept with me even though she knew I had a wife.” Can you imagine with me? The men that slept with her slating her, pushing their part of the blame solely unto the shoulder of one lady. And what becomes of a lady who has been adulterous? Moses told them to stone.
“So Christ, what should we do to her? Should we stone her?” This men know what they are doing. If Jesus just let the woman go, then he does not follow the instruction of Moses! Prophet of God! How then can he possibly be the Messiah? God would not let sinners go unpunished! On the other hand, if He stoned her to death, then how is he the son of God? He does not have compassion! He does not possess the grace of God! It is a trap set by the Pharisees, ready to demean Jesus when he takes action.
Jesus, knowing the Pharisees intention, paid no heed of the booming chants of “Stone her!” that surrounded him. He drew something on the floor, maybe around the woman in question. Some stones gathered together on the ground. Then, Jesus stood up and said,” All those that think they do not have sins, go ahead and stone her.” Silence.
Nobody stoned, and in the end the woman was set free. Why did Jesus not stone her? Wait, lets tackle the initial question that should come to mind. Why did you not stone her? Why did they not stone her when Jesus said that? It is all too obvious. They all know. The have sinned. The men that slept with her. The Pharisees that tried to trick Jesus. The men who wanted her dead. That was why not a single one of them laid a finger on a piece of stone. They cannot. After all the blaming, pushing, shoving, we find out that we are sinners. But are we going to tell people? Nope. Therefore, the silence. We don’t need to tell people about our dirt. Nobody would.
Then comes the final question. Why did Jesus not do it then? He was clean. He was sinless. He probably was the only person that could pick up a stone. Why did he not do it and contridict his Father? All people will be judged and punished according to their sins. So should she. SO SHOULD WE. Why did Jesus not do it?!?! The song enlightened me on something.
Even though the blame’s on you,
I’ll take the blame from you.
Even though nobody knew, Jesus knew he did not need to stone the woman. Yes she was sinful. Yes she should be stoned. But Jesus did not need to stone her, because he knew more than ANYONE else that HE was on his way to the cross to take her just punishment for her. For the men that slept with her. For the pharisees that tried to trick him. That their sins will all be punished. And the punishment will be on him. He took it all, and paid it all for you.
When Satan was ready to devour you for the sins you commit, Jesus stepped in.
“He/She is my child. Put the blame on me. I’ll take it.” Remember the last time your mom or dad had to step in for you? Yup. Jesus did just that.
The Boy and His Food
Finally done with the stiches. So happy I completed it, but it took long enough. When a person does his quiet time with God at 3 45am in the morning, then you know he’s probably dealing with stuff he is absolutely positively NOT proficient in. But glad its finished.
Was recalling what the pastor was talking about on Sunday, and found it rather powerful a message. It was a message about your identity in church, about how much one is willing to risk for God, and how much you dare to put on the line for him to use. And the rewards that come with it. This is the story of 5 bread and 2 fish.
One not so fine day, with the heat scorching and sand burning the feet of the hungry, Jesus was doing his normal stuff, walking around trying to save men. Then, a crowd gathered because they heard this man could do miracles. Under the blistering heat Jesus spread talked of salvation, but the people pondered on the hero they needed.
During this time the romans have conquered their land, and the people yearn for their God to provide them with a king to destroy this opressive force called the roman empire. And Jesus was their answer to that, their ‘hero sent by God’. Jesus knew what they wanted him to do. He knew he could do it, and in doing so be crowned a king. With his right hand he could blast the roman phalanxes into kingdom come. But he did not, and fleed afterwards because he was not there to become king. Jesus was there to save, and he stuck with his job.
As the temperature becomes unbearable and the sky darkens, his disciples urged Christ to call it a day. The very disciples that after his death became the cornerstones of the christian religion, spreading and proclaiming their faith like wildfire breaking lose in the Amazon Forest, at the cost of their lives. But here they were not yet what they will become. Here they were perspiring and waiting impatiently for Jesus to finish his preaching. They urged him to shelter. He urged the men to allow him to save his children. The disciples believed in the lord, but their hearts have not fully contemplate the will that God has given to Jesus, and Christ knew time he grasped could well save another of his beloved child, one by one. So he continued preaching, continued saving, until everyone became hungry.
He knew he could feed them. He had the power, the glory of God shining within him. However, Jesus shot a question to his people. He wanted growth from them.
“Where do we get food for all this people?’” One of them stood up and let his doubts known.
“Eight months worth of wages and we can’t even feed half of these starving bunch!”
This person believed in Jesus, but questioned him about his ability. True, he is loyal, and is a disciple that has been listening to the master’s words. However, he chose to use it to question the ability of Jesus. Then there was Andrew.
“Lord, there is a kid with some food.” Okaaaaaaaaaay, so it wasn’t all that great. He found a boy with some food. However, if you stopped and pondered for a bit, you would realise that Andrew beat the same heart as Jesus. He felt what Jesus felt about saving lives. He wanted to save more. He wanted the people to stay and listen to their salvation. So he scowled the premises for any sign of food he could find, but all he found was a boy with some food. Barely enough to even feed himself. BUT he believed God can do something about it, so he brought the boy to Jesus. “Lord, will you not do something?”
Finally there was the boy. In his hand, he held 5 wheat biscuits, the size of Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies, and 2 pieces of fish the size of sardines. Tells you how wealthy this kid actually is. It was probably his dinner, if not his lunch AND dinner. He stood there in front of thousands of people, hungry and starving. His dinner was at stake, and he could be sure anything edible will be gone the moment it dropped into the crowd. So now what does he do? He turned to the one he knows can help everyone, and gave him everything he had. The 5 biscuits. The 2 fish. Everything. And he left nothing for himself. “Lord, take these. These are all I have. Please use it.”
And so Jesus did so, distributing the 5 biscuits and 2 fish among all, feeding everyone satisfactorily, and when the food had gone round, the leftovers filled baskets and bags full. Christ turned to the little boy with the bags and baskets, and smiled.
” Sorry I borrowed your food. These are the leftovers. Hope its enough to fill you.” The little boy was probably buried in food, the same food that initially could not feed even himself.
God knows our needs and wants, he knows when we are in trouble, in need of a little divine intervention. But what good does it do if you do not learn and grow from it? God wants you to trust him, to lean on his shoulder, to lift up his hands. God wants you to have everything he prepared for you, if only you would give yourself up to him. He knows that all of us need to start at the beginning, when we were just another person in the crowd trying to discover who Jesus really is. But he wants us to grow, to mature progressively in heart and soul through his guidance, so that we are closer to him. All the way till we become on par with the little boy with 5 biscuits and 2 fish.
Perseverence
Many times in my legacy as Di Wei have I given up or step down from a challenge which I impose on myself. HOWEVER, today, I admit that I have been sternly tested by that known as STITCHING.
As a guy, I struggle in vain to hasten my ability to weave the stitches endlessly to form a pattern so small it does not seem to be worth the shot. AND I placed it too close to a corner if I might add. The difficulty isn’t so much in the stitching, its the colours that is required. The final product might look simple, but its anything but. ESPECIALLY when there are different shades of a single colour! The amount of time needed to keep cutting strings, tying knots AND weaving a pattern of the size of a thumbnail probably accumulates to about 4-5hours, roughly the time you need to watch 8-10 action-packed, adrenaline pumping anime episodes, and still have time left to eat dinner. What?
I have never seen myself poke my hands so many times even the nurses that came to my ward when I was hospitalised for 14 days cannot compete with their dozes of anti-biotics. The sheer concentration on the little holes has probably ensured the increase in the dgree of my spectacles by at least 50. To counter the boredom and agony of doing such a feminine chore, I have to put my vocal box to good effect, stretching it boundlessly as I put ‘the joy of the lord is my stength’ on repeat. And after 2 days of meticulous struggle, I have finished……3/4 of a pattern!!! This is realy not worth the time.
It makes me want to quit when I listen to the girls tell me how seamlessly easy it is to complete it. Depressed at my own inequity, it becomes really hard to movitate myself to continue, especially when you know only sleepless nights ensue he(this only applies to males I guess) who chooses the path of stitching.
Too bad there is no turning back now. I have swooped so deep I’m on a path of no return. All I can do is continue……
Elvin came over again!
Yesterday, Elvin came over to my house to have me help him with a game called ‘Obscure 2′, a horror cum zombie slashing game. Too bad the camera view for the game is so bad I got dizzy and felt like vomiting after a while, so the game had to cease. Some raillery ensued as I struggled to recover from the aftershock of the game. My head still hurts from the remembrance of yesterday.
After the game, it was all anime. We managed to lose the night to ‘Yugioh GX’, all the way till 3-4 am in the morning. I manage to complete until episode 103, Elvin completed the season by watching till episode 105. And that was how I wasted my Friday leave. What a day.
Finally got Chae Huah and Chae Yun to teach me the basics of stitching. Hope I can get the job done before the stipulated date. There goes my daily dose of Zs. Anyway, today made a promise to become Hui Min’s guinea pig for her cooking. Hope I won’t have to taste carbon. Hui Minn, ganbarimasu! Just read streams of the desert, 12 January. Talked to me like it was an animated object.
Sometimes we really someone from our lives to tell us the truth about our behaviour and character, or it will never sink in. When God does it to teach you a lesson, it becomes even harder to take in. But hey, the most bitter medicine are the ones that ooze effectiveness ya? Need to start converting input into output. So I started with my grandma.
She’s become quite old now, and needing to go downstairs to use the toilet is really difficult for her. However, she shares the same toilet as me, and does not want to use it because she is scared she will bring me some trouble. I have never really thought about it, but I think its time I showed her some love for all the food she provides me. Therefore, I searched and found my solution from above. Literally.
I decided to move all my stuff to my little brother’s toilet and share it with him (his room is upstairs, by the way). Sure it becomes inconvenient for me, and requires some climbing. But I rather I climb with my energetic body then to have anything happen to my grandma when she awake from sleep me needs to answer nature’s calls. My body is yet to reach my prime, hers are deteriorating by each passing year. Anything to get her to live longer, healthier, happier.
Think I need to start becoming more responsible. Also need to stop myself from becoming others’ worries; stop becoming other peoples stumbling block, but instead their wings. Easier said then done >_<
Softball
Yup. After much arrangements to ensure it could be done, we had fun with Wei Jiat at the playground of our house yesterday. It was a shrinked version of what we might deem as a softball game, but it was nonetheless enjoyable.
So, within the boundaries of the dirt, the sand and the slide, we had our ‘Have fun at army Wei Jiat’ mini softball match 2008. The field was set, the atmosphere was threatening, and Wei Jiat was really to take on the opposite team… everybody else. Heck, even his teammates were obviously bribed to begin with. Haha. Nobody was with him, everyone was against him.
And even after all those, Wei Jiat’s team won (courtesy of some nifty planning… although Wei Jiat almost ruined it when he allowed a homerun… WHAT A MISTAKE!!!), it only led to the second phase… rolling Ryan in the sand!!! and thus, he was pinned to the sandy ground and rolled over and over and over again. Haha. Min Min’s perfect plan. Oh well, at least everyone had fun. And so concluded a week brain wretching.
However, I woke up today to find out… I FORGOT TO TAKE PICTURES!!! Argh… oh well. Maybe next time.
My Flawed Love (Ammended 10/01/2008)
I said I love them. I said I’d try to give everything I have for them. Well guys, sorry. I have not been really loving you all at all. After the struggles, the prayers, the comments posted, came Gods answer to my struggle. “Your love is so flawed its fake.” Well, he may be right. One chapter to strike down all my claims of love.
1 Corinthians 13:4~8
Test 1:
‘Love is patient’ – I expect people to turn to me. I want people to trust me, I don’t even try to build a true relationship with them, trying my best to do what I think is good for them instead of listening.
God’s answer- its year 2008 after Christ died for us. He’s still waiting for the gospel to be spread to every single person on Earth.
Test 2:
‘It does not envy’- I want be to part of what everyone is talking about, want to be there when they are having fun, feeling isolated, feeling envious about about their love.
God’s answer- Jesus was okay with giving his life to a bunch of people who loved the world more than anything else.
Test 3:
‘it does not boast, it is not proud’- How many times have I told people about what I do for them? Everyday?
God’s answer- Jesus died for us, ‘for God so loved the world’. Everything was done to tell people about his father’s love.
Test 4:
‘it is not self-seeking’- Doing all the things I do for self-gratification, so that I will be loved by all. Be appreciated.
Gods answer- Jesus gave up the glory to come to Earth and save our sorry hinds.
Test 5:
‘it keeps no record of wrongs’- I put the fault and blame on others when I feel troubled or am struggling to find ground. I keep tabs of what I have done for the ones I love, hoping something comes back in return.
God’s answer- ‘Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing’. Jesus said this when he was murdered by the very people he loves.
Test 6:
‘it always protects’- All I’m trying to protect may be myself.
God’s answer- Not only your body. He protects our minds, our souls. He stands right there in between you and Satan. He nailed Jesus there to prevent Satan’s advances.
Test 7:
‘always trusts’- I cannot even trust that people around me love me.
God’s answer- Jesus put his faith in the will of God.
Test 8:
‘(love) always perseveres’- I’m already tired of loving.
God’s answer- How many billions of people are there on earth? He has been listening to everyone. How many years? That would be even before there were dinosaurs. How long more? Eternity.
Test 9:
‘Love never fails’- Mine has fallen.
God’s answer- Jesus was risen.
I claimed I love all of you. LIES. I claimed I’d give it all. FAKE. I finally understand now how much more my love has to be. I’m humbled by the true love that I should be giving. I won’t hide behind the curtain of lies anymore. I’m not good enough. Sorry guys.
I’ll start by passing Test 8. Sorry I let you all down. Will you let me love you all more?
