Crashed
Literally. My car would be gone for quite a few days thanks to my negligence on the road. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Thank God only the wheels gave way, while the rest of the car remains intact.
What a time for it to happen. I thought I have grown. I thought I have become more dependable. I thought I could handle more responsibilities now. And, right after I became a teacher for the Primary 3~4 kids, after hearing Li Mei Zhang Lao tell us about the responsibilities and the fine examples that a teacher should keep, I got into a car accident. The slightest slip of my concentration allowed slack to creep in, and within seconds what should have been a trip to the pool turned disastrously wrong. ALL MY FAULT. Definite. I was the driver. The one at the wheel.
I feel miserable. I’ll try to hide it, but I’ll feel miserable. Why do I keep doing this? What happened to the ‘I promise lord my car would be the shelter for your children who need a lift’? How can the car be a shelter if the driver is someone like that? I disappoint God. Once again. To think those on board were the closest to me: my brothers of the Twang family. ONCE AGAIN, my heck care attitude drove me to the wall. This time, it was more literal.
God, why do you put such responsibilities on a person who can’t even help, but endanger others? What am I going to do when I meet my friends, or for that matter those on the car? The hardest damage isn’t the car, its the heart.
Every time I think to myself,” This is the way God made you. You just can’t be serious.” Then why make me take up such heavy responsibilities? Teacher, leader, older brother. Which of these don’t need a pinch of rationality and thought? None of these are light-hearted.
My Father, you told me to jump off the ledge, and I have. But why is the first thing that I encounter such a gargantuan wall of steel? I hit it so hard it will take some time to recover. I cannot even imagine the other walls I will crash into.
I really dunno what to do anymore. I fell so hard I can’t possibly pick myself up normally. My knees are bruised. I bet even my brothers are telling everyone about the incident. Then the whole world will know about the accident. That I almost killed my beloved friends and family. That I’m a reckless wild child, rampant.
I dun wanna appear for Shou Yue anymore. Sigh. Its been awhile since I did that, but I deserve it don’t I? No wonder I hate myself.
