And God Holds On To Me
After OT from work, I was shagged beyond human contemplation. My bodily self has abondoned my spirit as I swaggered to the bus stop like a zombie. On the bus, I slept for the whole journey, and would have missed my stop if my brain cells have not made me on my handphone alarm before it shut down.
That day after work, I was suppose to go to church for practise. Before that, I was suppose to meet Christine for dinner and pass her her Bday presents. HOWEVER, I had to OT. Lucky for me, Christine was late, so I actually reached Adam Road on time (You reading, Chris? Hahaha). After a quick dinner and sending her off, I took the next 855 home. My brain (again b4 shutting down) told me that the quickest way to church is to go home and grab my car.
8.15pm, outside my house. I pressed the car keys, but did not hear a sound. My mom has apparently drove my car to church, and now I do not have a car. I rushed outside to catch a 86 to church, only to find the bus leaving a dirt trial into the distance. At that point of time, I was shagged, alone, and waiting for the bus. Then, darkness falls again:
Why is God doing this to me even though I have rehearsals for HIM? I though I told my mom to not drive my car!!! Argh!!! Why should I even bother going to church now?!? I might as well don’t go!!! Those people most likely don’t even need me. I had enough of this nonsense already, the church don’t even treat me like part of them, whether I’m there or not doesn’t make a difference……
Trust me, my thoughts were worse than that. But, from the sound of it, the degree of wraith and anger was apparent. I was about to just put down my religion at the spur of a moment. I was tired. Real tired. How much free time and free-dom would I get if I just forget about my duties at church, decline everytime they ask me for help, and just attend worship.
Suddenly, there was silence, then rationale thinking, then calmness. B4 the bus came, the thoughts were dispelled. Maybe he has done too much for me to deny his love. His grace has covered all my corners. Maybe I was just the night making me emo. I boarded the bus when it came (took long enough though).
On the bus, I shed tears. Not because I felt grieviance for my sinful thoughts that I allowed to stay in my mind for the full period when I was waiting. Not because I was happy that I emerged victorious against the temptation by the devil to draw me away from God. I shed tears because I remembered a prayer I made oh so long ago, knowing the type of person I used to be:
” Father in heaven, I know I am sinful, I know myself just as you know me. I am easily tempted, and for a few times I have felt like leaving you and your church. I may be fine now, but when the time comes and all the factors add up, I may just leave. When the time comes, please hold on to me. Don’t let me leave you. Don’t you ever let me leave you.”
My spirit cried in gratification, that God really listened to me and held onto me, abeit the insults and disapproval hurled at him from close range. I felt like one of the soldiers insulting and mocking Christ Jesus, wiping him and spearing him in the guts, only to find out I was saved by the lord I denounced.
‘Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’
Thank you for holding on to me…… all the way till the end. I’m so glad I made that prayer.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.
