Crashed
Literally. My car would be gone for quite a few days thanks to my negligence on the road. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Thank God only the wheels gave way, while the rest of the car remains intact.
What a time for it to happen. I thought I have grown. I thought I have become more dependable. I thought I could handle more responsibilities now. And, right after I became a teacher for the Primary 3~4 kids, after hearing Li Mei Zhang Lao tell us about the responsibilities and the fine examples that a teacher should keep, I got into a car accident. The slightest slip of my concentration allowed slack to creep in, and within seconds what should have been a trip to the pool turned disastrously wrong. ALL MY FAULT. Definite. I was the driver. The one at the wheel.
I feel miserable. I’ll try to hide it, but I’ll feel miserable. Why do I keep doing this? What happened to the ‘I promise lord my car would be the shelter for your children who need a lift’? How can the car be a shelter if the driver is someone like that? I disappoint God. Once again. To think those on board were the closest to me: my brothers of the Twang family. ONCE AGAIN, my heck care attitude drove me to the wall. This time, it was more literal.
God, why do you put such responsibilities on a person who can’t even help, but endanger others? What am I going to do when I meet my friends, or for that matter those on the car? The hardest damage isn’t the car, its the heart.
Every time I think to myself,” This is the way God made you. You just can’t be serious.” Then why make me take up such heavy responsibilities? Teacher, leader, older brother. Which of these don’t need a pinch of rationality and thought? None of these are light-hearted.
My Father, you told me to jump off the ledge, and I have. But why is the first thing that I encounter such a gargantuan wall of steel? I hit it so hard it will take some time to recover. I cannot even imagine the other walls I will crash into.
I really dunno what to do anymore. I fell so hard I can’t possibly pick myself up normally. My knees are bruised. I bet even my brothers are telling everyone about the incident. Then the whole world will know about the accident. That I almost killed my beloved friends and family. That I’m a reckless wild child, rampant.
I dun wanna appear for Shou Yue anymore. Sigh. Its been awhile since I did that, but I deserve it don’t I? No wonder I hate myself.
Under the Same Roof
The show had this OST ‘wishes’. One part of the song went like this:
‘So, no, matter how long it may be, I’ll be waiting.’
It was a nice song, a nice ring to it. Its was about love, love for one another, loving someone, wishing. Something dawned on me.
The bible said that we as humans have choices. God let us make our choices, and we chose the dark and sinful, walking away from God. We dwell in our sins, leaving our Father. ‘We don’t need him, we can make our own choices.’ Then we leave, pouring our lives to indulge in sin…… till one day we perish together with all the things we have lost through sin. We left our Father for sin, bringing ourselves hundreds and billions of lightyears away from our Father. Our choice.
But when Satan found us and wanted to devour us, God was having none of that. Jesus will have none of that.
‘one star- brighter than the others’
Jesus Christ flew that hundred billions of lightyears onto earth…… to live under the same roof as us. He came in between you, me and Satan. He stretched out his hands and nailed them into place. He nailed his legs on the spot between Satan and us.
‘Over my dead body.’
The prophets testify it, moses told everyone, the bible anticipated.
‘like, a, dream or something from a book, true love has found me.’
He came to stand in between you and Satan, whether you like it or not, whether you wanted or not. Why?
“Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Because we did not know. our desire blinds us from seeing the devil behind the pleasure. So Jesus had to come down to block us, even if it meant his death. even when many of us look at him, puzzled, frustrated. “Why you do that for?” We treat him like an invader into our lives. Sometimes, we just tell God or our parents why they need to care about your life so much. They never needed to. They wanted to, they chose to. Simply cause they love you. We act macho, like we are some self-sufficient bunch of mature higher order, and leave Jesus to defeat Satan by himself, defeat Satan for us. Then, as we leave, Jesus whispered with his dying breath:
“I will wait forever. So no matter how long it may be, I will be waiting.”
“Okay lor, you wait lor. Wait long long.”
And he really waited. 2006 years. 10 months. 20 odd days. Till I came back. And he is still waiting for more. To come back. Home. Under the Same Roof.
The End of Christmas 2007
T’was the end of Christmas. Wanted to stay awake to watch ‘Blaze of Glory’ with my brothers and friends, but rationale thinking told me I had to sleep early to avoid the sleep monster during office hours. Sorry dudes.
Christmas was definitely worth the splurge I think. God has his own ways of returning everything I gave away, returning so much more to me. The love and encouragement from AGPC overflows, just like his love. I’m so glad I learn to trust him. In the festive season of thanks giving, I received quite a few interesting stuffs, as well as letters. Most notably out of all the letters, there was one that stated:
please continue to eat bananas. I think its the best thing that can happen to a banana.
Haha. Thanks Yue Ting. What a nice compliment. I think a lot of things have happend between last Christmas and this. No, It does not involve me giving my heart that was given away. But through the years I felt that I am starting to be shaped by God into a certain personality that he wills. Certain aspects of my character has definitely improved over the year, though it still needs a lot of honing if I were to meet expectations. However, I am glad I am changing.
Last year my brother gave me a letter, stating certain characteristics of a bass player:
1) Selfless
2) Giving
3) Able to hold people together
Theres more. However, I am starting to understand and become the bass that God desires. Putting aside the ocassional burst of slapping and plucking (that has NEVER happened when I’m really playing the song Wei Jiat, contrary to anything you think), I’ve learnt what it means to be sacrificing. The bassist needs to analyse the instruments around him and find a way to hold the music down and not let it float. He cannot be too flashy, as it would break the melody. The sound cannot clash with all the other instruments, or the lead will never be as good as it can sound. He needs to help the drums keep tempo, to amplify its effects. Nothing about the bassist is about himself. Its mostly about the people around him. Its not about producing your music, its about producing theirs. There is no limelight, sometimes no acknowledgement. You get hit hard when you cannot perform up to expectations, but will not get the praise the rest will get if they do well. You give without taking back.
Sometimes it gets to you. However, it is what the bible has said, to give without expecting something in return. Just like the bassist, my life has started to change. When asked to help people complete certain things, I’ll mostly agree. It may become tiring. Sometimes, its Really tiring. Sometimes, you get nothing back. Other times, you get a ‘thank you’. But, deep down inside, I’ve learnt to seek the favour of God before man, that every ounce of blood, tears and pespiration is being collected in a bottle God possess. If from the bottle he will drink to glorify his name, I’ll gladly make it full. Its not without its just rewards mind you. God has his ways of rewarding those that he is pleased in, often its so beautiful I just raise my head and hands to praise him immediately, wherever I am. Sometimes, I just break into tears.
The human reward, however, is to see the people around you being able to make their ‘music’. The time I sacrificed to give Ezra tuition to see him pass his economics and his father beaming from it; Wei Jiat, Hui shan, Yue Ting being able to complete their A’s unscathed; clearing the things and litter after a party so people can leave. A bassist help make other people’s music, holding them together. Your reward does not even belong to you.
I’m still far, far away from becoming God’s bassist. Nobody likes doing things without acknowledgement, and worse still start to become exploited by the very people you love. However, this year, I’ve slowly become okay with it. Even if I have to become the shadow of somebody, its okay. If I have to slug out a 24 hours plan to get everyone going, its okay. God has spoken to me that day I decided to become a bassist instead of a pianist who can steal the show. God has spoken to me. Acts, chapter 9:
‘He is my chosen instrument, I will let the world see how much he must suffer for my will.’
May your will be done on Earth as it will be in heaven. May I become his number 1 choice for a bassist when he wishes to listen to a live band.
~Christmas reflections from stoning on the way home from Orchard road to catch ‘Blaze of Glory’, 25/12/2007~
My Presents vs the Presents From Above
Today was the baptism of my mom, dad, and grandma. Today, God has answered my prayer. Today, I could not hold back my tears.
A few months back I was still asking God why did my Father reject the gospel, why he does not want to believe in Jesus. Did Jesus not make my Father believe then. Now, I have my answer. So much for not answering my prayer. Just thinking back the full process of how my family became Christians was amazing, how I wished everyday my Father will come back to Christ. Now, my prayers have been answered. Yes, God answered my prayers for my Christmas.
My praise is not enough to return his answer, my body not worthy, my voice not skilled. I cried, not knowing what to say. My God has done so much for me when I can do for him so little. He gives, and gives, and gives. At the start of December, knowing I would spend a lot to return the love I received, I was prepared to spend. I drew $150 from my bank account, deciding to use all the money for gifts. I overshot the budget. Today, after all the spending, my pocket has $200. I did not draw money since the last $150. No wonder we are COVERED by his grace. ‘the lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.’ The person who wrote this plasm was spot-on.
I am sure, all of heaven heard me cry,
As I tell you all the reasons why this life is just too hard.
But day by day, without fail I’m finding everything I need,
In everything you are to me.
Lyrics from ‘Everytime I Breathe’ by Big Daddy Weave. I just want to use a part of the chorus to give thanks and praise my lord:
I realize its true,
That you are, some marvelous God,
and I am so in love with you.
My presents vs God’s present from above. God wins round 1. I”m prepared to lose all the next few rounds 
Game Over
The words I heard from Min when she came out of the jeanes shop. Apparently, they do not sell her size anymore. It is not of stock. AND, they do not know when it will come in. And thus, my plans of buying Min a pair of jeanes has failed miserably. For 23/12/2007. But there is always 24/12/2007.
See, there was a girl that came everyday to visit me while I was rotting in the hospital, a young girl whom had no reason to show love to me, especially since I didn’t know her well yet. But she did. Every trip from RJC should have took around 30min-1 1/2 hours, be it SGH or NUH. 2 weeks. She was sick one of the days she came down. She fainted in school. Tell me people: How do I give up on her present?
My dad has always lived by one motto, and he embedded it in me: Those that love you, you love them back even more (its suppose to be in Chinese). Thus, this Christmas, I just can’t give up so easily. I’ll get smacked TKO by my Father. Plus, its not me. Not when I went through efforts previously to get a Cranberry flavoured limited edition body wash.
In games, when ‘Game Over’ appears, there is always two choices:
1) Quit
2) Try Again
My choice has always been 2.
Wei jiat did say,” Why not buy her the orange sweater? Since you cannot get the jeanes.” Perfectly logical, no flaws, anyway, its a Christmas present. But its not fair, not when she’s one of those I love. I loved my younger brother. Therefore, I spent time to search through physiological books to get him something that will help him, even if its $69.90. Same with his multi-function pedal and guitar strings (100 plus, forgot exact price). I love my older brother, that is why his present (Cannot say now, haven pass to him), can cost mountains of money, but the gain for him outweighs monetary assets. I love Wei Jiat, that I will not settle for something he does not like, especially since I know he loves softball. The Mizuno ball did not come cheap . I love Min Min, and thus I will not settle for something else unless I know it does not exist. My brother taught me this: For those that you love, you must give them the best, not second best. Nothing but the best.
If the jeanes really do not exist, fine. But unless my eyes deceive me or the internet is 100 years outdated, there are shops in Bugis and Marine Parade that sells them. I’m not giving up yet, not when there is still the option to ‘try again’. Not after I promised God that I will give back the same amount of love and happiness each of them deserve. Each and every one of them. Hong Wei. Wei Jiat. Do not think I’ll let you all of so easily…
Remembrance of Xmas
Christmas is around the corner, and the celebrations would start soon. Even yesterday, the guys were over at my house to play Minckins, with a more evil, enticing pile of cards which saw us battle it out for 3-4 hours, backstabbing, negotiating, pitting swords with wits and wizardry. In the end, my older brother won. That’s besides the point though.
I was thinking of last year’s Christmas, and felt really nostalgic. Thus, I pulled out a bunch out cards and letters given to me last year to read, trying to remember what happened around Christmas. It included get well stuff from when I was in hospital, some birthday cards, and Xmas cards. From every letter, I kinda found out one of the first things God did to me when I started to believe in him: Made me stop my vulgarities.
How? He put people entering Junior College, new term, etc, around me, and in their letters told me about ‘friends/teachers/schoolmates that keep spurting vulgarities’. I was made to think about it as they try to prevent themselves from scolding. Some wrote what they tried to do, some wrote down some situations, etc. These little things and some conversations with some of the peeps got me thinking of how to help them prevent themselves from being tempted. In doing so, my own language was honed. There was no when I stopped. It just did. All the years of crude languages were swiped away from me unknowingly.
Maybe we just do not notice the change that God brings upon us, the gradual change makes us oblivious to any day to day evolution. However, have full faith in the Lord, that he is healing you when you put yourself in his hands.
Last year, so much love was given to me, the smiles, the gifts, the home that Christ has provided for me, the joy of Christmas. This year, I’ll be sharing the same love. Nothing less Sooooo…… be sure to get your presents from me if I forget your share. Hope Meng Di remembers. My battle for gifts starts tomorrow. Hope there’s no mad rush.
The Return of The Bs
Well, Bs probably just stands for Britain-studying Big Brother. Yep, my brothers back in Singapore for awhile. So glad he is back, and haven changed a bit. Not like anyone here has changed at all though, heh.
Yesterday was like a food fest, just ate tons of local food cause my brother really missed them. He’s probably eating more of those now. Well, now that he’s back, he can stuff all he wants till he flies back to study abroad again la. Anyway, can’t do much with him for now cause got night duty today (Jie, Jiat, Joy, J cube… jia you for the song movements 
). I’ll be awake… I think… so call me or sms me if you all needa ask anything. OR alternatively, you can ask the now back big brother for help instead of me, hehe.
Feels good to be out of the ‘I’m like the oldest of the group, needa start caring for people le’ position, which I wasn’t that use to. Even only for a moment, this short respite would be good for me, cause I’m still not used to being old… just yet. Don’t get me wrong though, it has been fun, organising stuff, helping people, seeing them smile. However, there are certain things that cannot be changed instantly, and I was not born as an elder brother, so I don’t really know how to take care of ’situation’, usually dealt with by the older people. I’m making the step up, but it has been a tiring situation, so a little rest (not toooo long) would be good for reflection and stuff. Plus I finally can choose to sit in the back of the car! Yeah!
Oh btw, few days ago I got another opportunity to help someone with my umbrella during a rainy day, and this time I didn’t let the chance slip away, so happy I got to help someone. Even more shocking was that the person was Min Min’s friend from touch rugby! Haha… small world. The house I’m currently living in is that of her friend’s, also from RJC. dun worry! I’ll be moving out so she can talk to her friend again once the rental expires. Since I dunno her name, she shall become the girl-which-I-sent-home-using-my-umbrella-which-I-brought-along-because-I-previously-had-to-run-home-in-the-rain-and-learnt-my-lesson. Such a long name. Oh, and cause I was trying to make sure she was sheltered, I didn’t notice the rain was actually successfully targetting me. Caught a cold afterwards, but all is fine! Nothing feels better than to have helped someone! All that’s left now is to make ammends to the dude I wanted to help during the rain but I missed out on the opportunity.
Still not prepared for christmas… argh…
Presentz!!! And more worries.
I’ve so far spent $250 on presents… AND still needa buy for so man people. Suddenly decide to buy something different for more people, so now I needa buy more presents…haiz. Will go night shopping later…… Hope the shops in Toa Payoh provide what I need. If not, FEEL MY WRAITH ON FRI!!! Haha.
I find it hardest to buy the things for my friends when:
1) They are not as close as Wei Jiat, but still super close. Like for Christine, Min, Stephen, Elvin they all—> For Wei Jiat, just ask him That’s just how close ba, so very easy. Plus know him quite well, so can find.
The female friends seriously hard. Needs A LOT of thought. I needed to shop foreva just to find Christine’s one CD, now there is still Min’s present. Haiz… maybe I just get something orange as Ryan suggested? Lolz… but very Ying Chou leh… plus everyone knows she likes orange le… Maybe get from Min’s list of ‘I want one’ items? I tried, but some are… REALLY not within budget. HOWEVER, through my brilliant and sublime twisting of situations for 2 full weeks, I have managed to discover that—> Min’s waist is 24 and her hips are 34~36. Mwahahahaha! So her ‘I want a new pair of jeans’ wish maybe can meet… Min, if you are reading this, I AM NOT GOING TO BUY YOU A PAIR OF JEANS. Btw, I figured I could buy her a munckin deck, but the game was sooo fun, I decided to keep it for myself. So much for trying to stop gaming, heh. But hey, we all will probably get to play it during christmas (excuses, I know).
Then there’s my elder brother. Never bought anything for him, so dunno what to buy for him. Dang. Will continue to figure it out. Got $150 left in my budget anyway (there goes my ps3… nevermind, can make people happy). Then there’s Hongwei… what to get him? no clue. got clue also too… extreme (the price). Elvin’s present has been… half settled.
Sooo tired from shopping the other day, and still not finished yet. Jia lat. Then today helping friend stay back… Sorry bro, cannot fetch you from the airport. Then also cannot eat dinner with you all. but, my friend’s eye got infection, he had to leave for hospital, and when he asked if I could replace his duty… had to let him go for checkup in case it becomes worse. So, I’ll be in office till around 8? Maybe 9 if madam wishes to OT ba. What a day.
This post took longer than my other speeches, partially because I took forever to think of the shortforms, the Singaporean slangs, the informal stuffs, etc. My Singlish’s getting rusty. Not a bad thing though.
Xmas Presents reflection
Second post of the day?!?!?! Haha. Should have posted the previous post earlier. Oh well.
Yesterday I was shopping for Xmas presents, and realised something: It is quite impossbile to buy something for everyone in church!!! I didn’t find out after I went shopping. EXPENSIVE!!! And that was after I decided to use up my $400 bucks I saved for my Wii. Well, at least I got the chance to blatantly wave Wei Jiat’s present in front of him, haha. Still left with Hongwei’s, Huishan and wen’s, 4 Big Sky Kings’ (direct translation) and Elvin’s presents. Those that I have already bought will just have to wait until I pass them their presents. PERSONALLY. I gave my bro already la… need go buy something for my elder bro b4 he comes back, but the intermediate japanese language learning cds I was planning to buy were $149.90. EXPLOSIVE!!! So cannot. Will buy something else later. Maybe I can piss him off by buying something he realli has not use with… like games For everyone else: I will pray for you Come on! Its the cheapest yet most powerful gift of all!!!
And God Holds On To Me
After OT from work, I was shagged beyond human contemplation. My bodily self has abondoned my spirit as I swaggered to the bus stop like a zombie. On the bus, I slept for the whole journey, and would have missed my stop if my brain cells have not made me on my handphone alarm before it shut down.
That day after work, I was suppose to go to church for practise. Before that, I was suppose to meet Christine for dinner and pass her her Bday presents. HOWEVER, I had to OT. Lucky for me, Christine was late, so I actually reached Adam Road on time (You reading, Chris? Hahaha). After a quick dinner and sending her off, I took the next 855 home. My brain (again b4 shutting down) told me that the quickest way to church is to go home and grab my car.
8.15pm, outside my house. I pressed the car keys, but did not hear a sound. My mom has apparently drove my car to church, and now I do not have a car. I rushed outside to catch a 86 to church, only to find the bus leaving a dirt trial into the distance. At that point of time, I was shagged, alone, and waiting for the bus. Then, darkness falls again:
Why is God doing this to me even though I have rehearsals for HIM? I though I told my mom to not drive my car!!! Argh!!! Why should I even bother going to church now?!? I might as well don’t go!!! Those people most likely don’t even need me. I had enough of this nonsense already, the church don’t even treat me like part of them, whether I’m there or not doesn’t make a difference……
Trust me, my thoughts were worse than that. But, from the sound of it, the degree of wraith and anger was apparent. I was about to just put down my religion at the spur of a moment. I was tired. Real tired. How much free time and free-dom would I get if I just forget about my duties at church, decline everytime they ask me for help, and just attend worship.
Suddenly, there was silence, then rationale thinking, then calmness. B4 the bus came, the thoughts were dispelled. Maybe he has done too much for me to deny his love. His grace has covered all my corners. Maybe I was just the night making me emo. I boarded the bus when it came (took long enough though).
On the bus, I shed tears. Not because I felt grieviance for my sinful thoughts that I allowed to stay in my mind for the full period when I was waiting. Not because I was happy that I emerged victorious against the temptation by the devil to draw me away from God. I shed tears because I remembered a prayer I made oh so long ago, knowing the type of person I used to be:
” Father in heaven, I know I am sinful, I know myself just as you know me. I am easily tempted, and for a few times I have felt like leaving you and your church. I may be fine now, but when the time comes and all the factors add up, I may just leave. When the time comes, please hold on to me. Don’t let me leave you. Don’t you ever let me leave you.”
My spirit cried in gratification, that God really listened to me and held onto me, abeit the insults and disapproval hurled at him from close range. I felt like one of the soldiers insulting and mocking Christ Jesus, wiping him and spearing him in the guts, only to find out I was saved by the lord I denounced.
‘Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’
Thank you for holding on to me…… all the way till the end. I’m so glad I made that prayer.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.
