~*+My Journey Before Heaven+*~

Guilt. Sorrow. Anger. Depression. And when all these thought hit you head on, it is so easy to succum and crack. How does a man face God when he himself knows the things he has done? Even if God forgives, it is only human nature that he is ashamed. Who will not? Are we then suppose to just let go of what we have done?

Your conscious is very much like the holy spirit, even though it is different. The holy spirit will lead you on the righteous path. The conscious condemns your every wrong. It haunts and lingers. It comes at you like hifi stereo when you yourself acknowledge the darkness in it, but still commits the sin. Then you wonder what God would do. Will he punish you? He has the power to. Fear leaps the boundaries into terror. Terror leads to oblivion.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror. So now I am a Christian. Do I really look different? Do I really act different? What comes out of the sins I continue to commit? I only look more evil than ever. It could be perception doing its dirty job, but to a certain extent I am inclined to think that it is still a fact. A fact that I have failed to abide his law, failed to hold onto his word, failed to do his will, failed to worship him. Why then have I chosen him if I still walk in darkness? Every night such thoughts consume my soul, stabbing it with all the guilt and shame. Every stab causes my heart to bleed darkness, the sins flow out like mountain water. Guess what? I like it. The pureness of darkness, of sin. How wonderfully wrong. Is this how Satan tempts us? No wonder I lose to him. Might as well commit myself to him. Last Sunday I was ill and could not attend church, but I liked the feeling. The feeling of being able to use to time at my leisure, even though all I did was sleep.

God seems to always hit me with a hammer at the correct moment. It is as the bible says, he who is willing to come back to him will be watched over and protected, and he will keep us in his warm embrace. The embrace which tells you that you were made to love, and to be loved by God. The embrace that makes you forget your sins because ‘your sins I will remember no more’. How God is able to forgive us, God knows. But I do not want to saty this way. I want to step put there to fight his battles. I want to win his battles for him. How am I to do it if I continue to hold on the the evil he fights? How am I to serve?

I fear that one day I might just leave God for the world. It is just something I might do, considering how I lived my life. All that is keeping me from that is God himself. And so, as darkness falls on me and my shield and sword be ‘only’ my God, I will not have it any other way. If not for him, I would be the darkness fighting his children. But what if… I go back…

These are true thoughts. The potential of a self-destruction is there for all to see. I pray that that does not come to pass. I need him to hold onto me more than ever, and hope that one day I will, not have an experience like Saul had with God at Damascus, but see the one true God Saul came to know at Damascus. The God that changed his life. Please, change mine too.