My tears shall flow a river
I still remembered the very first time I broke down in tears. I was confronting a self I could never except, not even now. I was 12 back then, a little boy who made a decision to skip my tuition class for one day, so that I could… I forgot -_-”‘ Back then, I reflected on my actions at night, and I went downstairs. On the marble which stretches the whole bottom floor, I kneeled on my knees and cried. Repenting on my actions, how irresponsible I was, how I have let down my parents, who shed sweat and blood to earn the money so I could become academically adequate.
The second time I broke down in tears was when I was hit with the realisation of how much my mother actually loved me, how I always thought she did not care, but how utterly wrong I was. What made me shoot her with flaming darts has long been forgotten, but the smile and the honesty shattered my heart, and made me realise the injustice I have brought upon her. Which mother would actually not love her son? That night, I cried for all the wrongs I brought upon her.
That night at Bu Dao Hui, I cried a river. I was made to face every immorality I have ever commited, every evil that dwells within mere mortals, and every corner I turn all I see is the darkness that resides in me. The me that many a times thought of killing others because I hated them, or just to fill superior. The sexual fantasies and disgraceful behaviours I have always found pleasure in. The me that could murder, pillage and rob people of their lives just so I can become superior, rich, famous. STRONG. Never have my actions been put so vividly in front of me, and as my life long achievement of misdeeds flash before my very eyes, I could not stand firmly. Knees were wobbling, my body trembled. I was sinful beyond imagination. that night, when the holy spirit came into me and revealed myself to me, I cried for a man who seemed beyond redemption.
But the lord did not show me these to shame me. He did not tell me how wicked I was. In fact, he never brought up the lies, the stealing, the cheating. He brought me salvation. The tears that fell were for a different reason. Not because I regreted or felt remorse for my own sins, but how the lord was able to love a sinner like me. Not because of the pain I felt because of my actions to harm, but because he knew I was a man commiting all these but still loved me. Not because I was a failure, but because he planned so I can succeed when he knew I would fail. His redemption was unconditional, his love outshone anything I can ever give to him, his amazing grace more absolute then Newton’s laws.
Every tear I could cry not of self pity, but symbolises every sin forgiven. If that is so, I probably cried a river (I did not know. I open my eyes and the for was mat was soaked with muccus and tears). It made me realise I never have actually confronted any of these things to change them, not until I believed in christ. Neither did I comprehend the full extent of his undying love. A human like me was never fit to be in his presence, but he embraced me nonetheless. That night, in a church obscure to half the population of Singapore, I kneeled down before him, and cried a river. That river was where the lord found me drowning, and it was there that the lord lifted me up onto shore.
I am never one who is charismatic, never one to be able to talk very well. Not a person who is accepting, not a man without sin. However, THE LORD LOVES ME. Not accept, not acknowledge, not like. LOVE. And his love changed my whole life around. Therefore, I welcome everyone to join me to seek this true god, this loving father, a saviour as well as a friend, for it doesn’t matter who you are, what you have done. Nothing you can do, can make him love you more, and nothing that you’ve done, can make him close the door.
